Slut.

A nice essay for a nice Sunday afternoon.

Possibly the Gayest Thing Ever.

But really.

I Am Offended

My foremothers didn't bleed all over dance floors so you could wear orthopedic heels.

They're just so ugly. Though with some DIY perhaps suitable for exercise.

Him from Powerpuff Girls

I somehow never realized there was a drag queen crab Satan on a children's show when I watched it all the time. It just didn't seem weird.

The cartoons of my childhood seem especially batshit in retrospect.

Bestiality, Human Sacrifice, Incest, Bondage, Leopards, and DAVID BOWIE

iTunes says this 1982 movie is about "a beautiful young woman on the bridge of sexuality; she discovers love for the first time only to find that the explosive experience brings with it tragic consequences."

What it's REALLY about is this secret race of people that turn into giant black leopards whenever they have sex with anyone they aren't related to and they can't change back until they kill a human.

Cat People (Putting Out Fire) by David Bowie was written for this movie. I think the song is a lot more famous than the movie because the movie is fucking WEIRD! David's not actually in it. It would be a million times better if he were.

People Wonder What Goths Do In The Summer

We dance.

It's A Walking Dress

Can't You Tell?

I Long For This

But that's probably just because I've never had to wear one.

It's Not Really Your Style If You Have To Buy A Book To Do It

Be yourself, kids. If you are really a prep deep down inside, then you don't need a handbook, do you? No one can tell you how to be you, so don't let them and certainly don't give them money for doing so.

Hello School

This is how you make me feel.

J.D. Salinger's Ghost Loves It.

Yes.

This Is Clearly What Was Going On Inside the Women's Correctional Facility

Normally it's The Devil Made Me Do It's job to supply us with our Gaga fix but I saw the video for "Telephone" for the first time today and: for real, Lady Gaga? There's exactly three minutes of exposition in which you wear sunglasses made of lit cigarettes [which is apparently how you attract women in prison] and wears soda cans as curlers before the music video even starts. Though props for such a tasteful way to refute the popular myth about having a penis. And the hyper-erotic food death sequence.

P.S. Product placements much? In one watching of this video I caught Virgin Mobile, plentyoffish.com, Miracle Whip, Polaroid, and Wonderbread.

P.P.S. Kill Bill reference noted.

Spider-Turtle-Frog

I really identify with this picture and I really can't figure out why.

At Least She Knows Her Boundaries.

Life Tip #287

My Latest TV Vampire

Mitchell from BBC's Being Human, with a plot that sounds like the beginning to a bad joke.

A vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost rent a house together in England... and then they walk into a bar and the bartender says...

It's actually really good. I stayed up all last night and watched nearly the entire first season (I had about a half hour left of the last episode when I went to bed at dawn).

We Will Eat You After We Eat Your Children

True Blood.

Yeah.

Meet The Tamponettes

Out on a Saturday's night.

By Shimon Okshteyn

I'm Going To See This Movie

And see it again.

Because Natalie Portman turns into a MOTHERFUCKING SWAN!

The Official Trailer for the Award-Winning Film "Fagbug"

It Happened To Me

It could happen to you.

Latest obsession.

This Happens To Me

Ever since I was like ten.

www.asofterworld.com

ITUNES HAS SERIES (season) 1 OF THE MIGHTY BOOSH FOR $7!!!!

It's English!

It's bizarre!

It's a comedy about two men who live in a zoo. Work in a zoo. Live in a zoo. It's really the same thing.

Seven dollars, bitches! I was surprised this was even on iTunes.

Like I say, the iTunes giveth, and the iTunes taketh away.

And Now For Something Completely Different: Uploading Audiobook CDs to iTunes

This isn't a technology blog.

But I founded this blog and I'll put whatever I damn well please.

First, the rant: Okay, folks, I have trouble sleeping and ever since I was a wee child, nothing puts me at ease and allows me to sleep like the sound of JIM DALE READING ME HARRY POTTER! For this reason, I not only read all the Harry Potter books, but listened to them as well ON TAPE (what the hell is that?)! If you want to upload taped audiobooks to your iTunes I can't help you. Actually, I can, but I don't feel like it because it is a bit more complicated.

But tapes are SO OVER! So, I bought the later Harry Potter audiobooks on iTunes, iTunes, like so many gods, giveth and taketh as it pleases. In case it escaped your notice, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows IS NOT on iTunes? Why? People say they argue about the digital rights, only having bought the digital rights to 1-6. That was three years ago. Now I have no idea what's going on. Write an angry letter to Listening Library and Apple and Scholastic or whatever.

That's not to say the audiobook doesn't exist. For a MERE FIFTY TO EIGHTY dollars YOU TOO can own Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as read by Jim Dale! This is what I did.

But now you are faced with a problem: you have seventeen discs in lovely orange packaging, and a very tedious job switching them out every hour or hauling them around with you. This is what iPods are for, right? Or iPhones or iPads and all that? BUT I CAN'T GET IT ALL TOGETHER IN THE AUDIOBOOK SECTION ALL NICE LIKE I'M USED TO HAVING MY AUDIOBOOKS! It's just these horrid 4 minute tracks and this massive amount of them and you probably put them on a playlist and are maybe a bit miffed, right? Maybe you looked on the internet and found it was really complicated and for a version of iTunes that you don't have because it's outdated or the software cost $10 and all you really want is to have a nice audiobook because you already spent so much money on these discs?

Never fear, loves, I believe I've found a solution.

1. Place disc 1 in drive
2. DO NOT upload it. Yet.
3. Get track names. It should come up, but if it doesn't, highlight the tracks and go to Advanced and click Get Track Names. Depending on your audiobook, you might have a few options to choose from. Be consistent. If the "artist" is the author, choose that one all the way through, or the same if the "artist" is the person who read it aloud.
4. I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW IF YOU HAVE TO DO THIS STEP. But I had already done it for seven of the discs, and I wasn't going to go back if I screwed it up. Highlight all the tracks. Go to Advanced and hit Join Tracks.
5. Import the CD as a single track. It makes it easier to deal with. If there is a way to join tracks after the book has been uploaded, then I couldn't find it.
6. Upload all the discs this way.
7. HERE'S THE GOOD BIT! Highlight THE ENTIRE BOOK. Right click, hit Get Info. Make sure the ALBUM ARTIST and ALBUM names are all the same or you will have seventeen different Audiobooks.
8. While still in Get Info, go to Options, tell iTunes it is an audiobook, not music, by dropping down the window labeled Media Kind and changing it from Music to Audiobook.
9. The book should now disappear from your music library. It will appear in the Books section, and will likely not have cover art. You can look up the cover art online and input it using Get Info if you wish.

I hope this helps. I know I was really frustrated. And if you found this by Google Search, look around the rest of the blog! It's madness!

Why Is She So Amazing?

Yung and Easily Freudend says I have an Amanda Palmer accent. This happened independently of my love for her. I blame Jim Dale and his magical Harry Potter readings.

I hope the major labels collapse. I will play Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead when the first one goes under. C'mon, artists. You can do it! Also, Bandcamp is my new favorite thing. I give more than asking if I feel it deserves it. One time I gave $50 to a blog just because I loved it. People of the Internet, we can do it!

This Is Not the First Roman Polanski Post We've Made

Nor will it be the last. These are available for purchase, should a lucky lady in your life necessitate a tasteful wish of goodwill.

I'm Scared and I Don't Understand

The best part, though, is that this is Part III.

I Write Like Fucking Everyone, Man

http://iwl.me/

I write like
Kurt Vonnegut

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I write like
Bram Stoker

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

but my essays are like

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I got Lovecraft a lot. I'm okay with that.

I'm Just Excited This Exists

Oh yeah. It's a real movie.

We've All Been There.

Doin' The DON'T

This Tamponette got a little too snip-happy with her bang trimming today and went searching for pictures of people with short bangs and long hair on the advice of another Tamponette. The search revealed this image, which is exactly my current haircut, except not blonde. Okay, maybe my bangs are a little longer, but not by much. So I click the picture to see what Marie Claire, whoever she is, has to say on the subject. Apparently, it's a "Celebrity DON'T".

Whatever, Marie Claire. I actually look kind of tough.

Ms. Amanda F. Palmer

Sneaking a peek...

And looking fucking beautiful

with her cohort Jason Webley,

who thrills us with his accordion.

In Case You Lost Yours...

You can get anything on the internet.

Bionic Kitty!

Oscar loves you!

A Tamponette Service Announcement

These creatures will haunt me forever.

A Meeting Of The Mantillas

What must they be discussing?

Dedicated to our friends over at the Chateau.

The Thrill Can Kill

They Need A Record

Because I need them. Click the video and watch it on YouTube because I can't get this blog to quit cutting off videos on the side.

I'm Not Expecting To Fall Asleep Anytime Soon

Anywhere I live, I need a place that serves breakfast foods 24/7. It's a must for victims of sleep disorders.

Summer jobs? Internships? Pah!

All the cool kids are at Skogfjorden.

Advertising is the Cruelest Irony

Having a Gay Old Time

A Bedtime Story

Grace Jones

Click Me for 30 Reasons to love her.

Dear Writers Of This Blog,

No, not THIS one, this one.

You've gotten confused. This is a drag queen, not a Lady Gaga imitator. Lady Gaga is influenced by Drag Queen style. Don't hate on the Drag Queens for looking like Lady Gaga. They are the original flavor. That's like telling Big Mama Thornton to quit singing Elvis' tunes. If you don't know what I'm talking about Big Mama sang Hound Dog long before Elvis, and it made HELL of a lot more sense when she sang it.

Taste The Blood!!!!!

Ok. I promised blood, and it made me think of a post I can make while waiting for the availability of my camera cord.

Step 1: Watch True Blood

Step 2: Watch BloodWork

There is an episode for every season. Seasons 1 and 2 can be found here.

Season 3 is on their blog.

Our fine gentleman friends (and by friends I mean the managers of a blog who don't know I exist) run CampBlood, a "Homo Horror" site linked to on the sidebar.

Homo Horror is in quotation marks because a) it's their phrase and b) I don't really know what Homo Horror is. It appears to be gay people reviewing horror movies, but what do I know?

NewsFlash!

For the nobody who reads this blog.

We've been experiencing a dearth of posts.

Two of our lovely Tamponettes are Out of Office, aka in the Northeast, home of the Bro and my soul sista Amanda Palmer.

I brought my camera. There will be posts. There will be pictures. This time, ones I take and not ones I download from the internet. There will be music. The kind made with handmade, found-object instruments. There will be hair. There will be women in their underwear. And most of all, THERE WILL BE BLOOD!

I dunno. Maybe there will be blood. But I really have always wanted to say that. Preferably directly before MAIMING someone in a fight.

But for now, there will be this picture of my hotel lobby, which is super cool and super swank and I keep expecting Don Draper to come into the lounge for a drink and a smoke.

Smell How You Feel On The Inside

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab,

I am fascinated by your scents.

Click Me for a chance at Olfactory Greatness

And be sure to visit the Trading Post as well!

They have scents named for Neil Gaiman books and Rappaccini's Garden. I'm down with any company that names it's scents after Gothic short stories, that's for damn sure!

I need to order some samples, but they won't get here by the time I leave.

This Fangirl Life

Ira Glass

How has he not made it onto this blog before?

He's the cutest dork ever. I love him. I would take my shirt off and throw it at his limo.

Click Me and Listen

and maybe even Watch

Also, I really hope this is real. I am in the market for a tattoo, you know.

If I had this, I'd probably make out with it. A lot.

Salute To Alan Turing

Alan Turing [June 23, 1912-June 7 1954]

"Founder of computer science, mathematician, philosopher,

codebreaker, strange visionary and a gay man before his time"

His life was fascinating and horrifying. [click]

[click]

Somewhere On Planet Gaga

This sort of thing happens.

So much to chat about, but I'll try not to get too wordy. This isn't a word blog.

Okay. So I thought this song was about conducting trysts with multiple (?) Mexicans, or at least latin persons who are hot like Mexico. Possibly just one individual named Alejandro Fernando Roberto. Or something like that.

But this music video is some sort of Steampunk-esque Cabaret-influenced WWII debacle starring Lady Gaga. I think if I ever saw her anywhere, I wouldn't recognize her, because she looks so different in every music video. It's the wigs and makeup. You can do a lot with contouring.

Also, someone had better call Thombeau. I think he might have lost some of his Houseboys to Lady Gaga's version of WWII. I was a bit uncomfortable with the dancing Nazis. I recognize she is drawing from WWII movies, but the Holocaust isn't entertaining. Not ever.

This is why I like Lady Gaga. In her performances and videos, she gives us this view into some strange reality that I identify with and prefer. Nobody dies like they do in real life. They just dance around. Or turn into light. And even sadness is beautiful. I think Planet Gaga is near my home planet. Some day I will return. I don't want to die here on Planet Richbitch.

Also, at the end, when she dies, THAT is what it looks like when you Return to Fabulon, which is, of course, what happens when fabulous people die. I hope it will happen to me.

In other news, Madonna's cone bra has been trumped by Lady Gaga's gun bra.

Moustache Types

We wish we could grow one of these.

Young Truman Capote

Delicious.

Latest obsession

Derrick C. Brown

Poet. Performer. Publisher.

Former gondolier, paratrooper, and weatherman.

Future husband?

WATCH

I Miss When This Was MTV

Not for the faint of heart.

David Lynch's "A Goofy Movie"

A gripping masterpiece of neo-noir psychological suspense. A mesmerizing meditation on the mysterious nature of identity. An inscrutable, profoundly unsettling fever dream, issued from deep within the director’s anguished psyche. A phantasmagorical family saga that ends in murder and betrayal.

More Cakes and More Happiness.

We Have a New Art Obsession

Iv Solaev.

Like, Whoa.